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* ^^11 in verse. 



By OLIVER IF. CASE, 

NEW HAVEN, 
CONN, 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 

Ch^p. Copyright No. 

Shelff..£L^-3 



UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



Fun 
For the Million, 

Business Ads, 

Written in Verse. 



<ft \^ of 1-3' 



By OLIVER F. CASE, 

NEW HAVEN, 

CONN. 









COPYRIGHT, 1896, 

By OLIVER F. CASE. 

(All rights reserved.) 



CONTENTS. 



PAGE. 

Preface, . . . . • .3 

The Marriage Fee, . . . . . 8 

New Style Handkerchief, . . .10 

Trials of a Bachelor, . . . .13 

Laugh or Cry— Which? . . . .21 

The Chronic Grumbler, . . . .23 

Two Bushels of Corn, . . . .27 

Fate of a Drummer who Failed to Lock his 

Hotel Door, . . . . .36 

The Great Traveler^ . . • .41 

My Best Girl, . . . . .44 

The Preacher's Donation Party, . . 50 

Take a Wife; or Advice to Young Men, . 58 

That Cabbage Leaf, . . . ,60 

Married; and got Trusted for a Cow, . 62 

The Would-be Beau, . . . .65 

Her Soda Water, . . » . .69 

The Boy, George Washington, . . .71 

A Bachelor's Woes, . . , .72 

In the Street Cars, . . . .75 

The Irishman's Goat, . . . .78 

Hats, Caps, Furs, Trunks, . . .80 

Furs, 81 

" Ad." for Hats, . . . . .82 

Goods of all Kinds, . . . .83 

For a Large House, . . . .84 

"Ad." for any Business, . . 85 to 86 

Clothing 87 to 97 



CONTENTS. 






PAGE. 


Tailor, .... 


. 98 to 99 


Furniture, .... 


. 100 to 101 


Dry Goods, .... 


. 102 to 104 


Gent's P'urnishing Goods, 


. 105 


Crockery, .... 


. 106 


Mattresses and Bedding, . 


. 107 


Fish Market, .... 


. 108 


Furnaces, Ranges, Stoves, 


. 109 


Furnaces, Ranges, Etc., 


. 110 


Short "Ads.": (Rents, For Sale), 


111 to 112 


Large Card for Meat Market, . 


. 112 


Restaurant, .... 


. 113 


Groceries and Meat, 


. 114 to 115 


Groceries, .... 


. 116 


Market, .... 


. 117 


Butter, .... 


. 118 to 119 


Tea and Coffee, 


. 120 


Cards for Windows and Short " Ads." 


121 to 125 


Short Dunning Letters, 


. 126 


Pleasant Dunning Letters, 


. 126 to 127 


Sharp Dunning Letter, 


. 128 



PREFACE. 
FUN FOR THE MILLION, 

Jtjt AND jtjt 

Business Ads. Written in Verse. 

This book is designed by the Author to combine 
both business and pleasure, and to give " Good Cheer " 
to every one. Merchants, in many kinds of business, 
can select an ad., naming the goods they sell. But, 
as many of these ads. and window cards, do not name 
the kind of goods, they can be used for various kinds 
of business, — hence, any business man can select such 
ads. as he likes, and get printed in any style he likes, 
for his business. 

Now, then, for the pleasure and good cheer part. 
This book is designed for every one, and as most 
people " like a little fun," and enjoy a good hearty 
laugh, (which is better than medicine), we trust they 
will find something here to produce " the laugh." 
One way to get " Fun " from this book, is to give 
humorous readings and recitations from it. These 
you will find here suitable to use at almost any social 
gathering or entertainment. Try it. 

Oliver F. Case. 

N. B. You can get " Lots of Fun " out of this 
book by singing some of the pieces, as they are writ- 
ten in correct metre, mostly Long and Common metre. 

O. F. C. 



This book you'll find is what you need, 
As it will cure the blues with speed ; 
And it will surely make you glad, 
And cheer you up if you are sad. 



OTB 



Most people like a little fun, 

And here it is for every one. 

Fun for your home, and business too, 

You'll find it here, sir, to please you. 



m& 



To help your business, let us say, 
Pick from this book your " ad." some day ; 
Send to the printer with great speed, 
And let him print just what you need. 

You'll find 'twill make your business grow, 
As such " ads '' are read through, we know. 
Give out a thousand at your store, 
And soon you'll want a thousand more. 



m$ 



THE MARRIAGE FEE. 

I. 

The knot was tied, and on that day 
The happy bridegroom meant to pay 
The preacher, whether good or ill, 
At least a nice ten-dollar bill. 

2. 

Into his pocket made for change, 
In a small wad he did arrange 
A bill of ten, both nice and new, 
And with it a tobacco chew. 

3- 
And when he took the preacher's hand, 
He gave that ten, yon understand, 
At least the young man thought he did, 
Hut lo ! 'twas the tobacco quid. 

4- 
Into his pocket with great haste, 
The little wad was safely placed, 
When he at home the wad unrolled, 
Twas neither bill of ten, nor gold. 

8 



5- 

Wonder of wonders! what surprise! 
He scarcely could believe his eyes. 
He scanned the contents o'er and o'er, 
It was tobacco — nothing more. 

6. 

" I never use it, I can't see 
How this tobacco came to me; 
Did that man do it for a joke, 
Supposing I might chew or smoke?" 

7- 
But soon the bridegroom wrote and said 
*' I hope that quid won't turn my head. 
This bill of ten was with the chew, 
Which, by mistake, I gave to you. 

8. 
" Pardon, oh, pardon me, I pray ! 
Before I grieve my life away, 
And if this fact you e'er proclaim, 
I beg of you don't use my name." 

9- 
Mistakes like this arc rather rare, 
And such mistakes we can repair; 
The bridegroom did it, sent the bill, 
But thinks of that tobacco still. 



NEW STYLE HANDKERCHIEF. 

I. 

One day, while traveling by rail, 

With an assorted crowd, 
To hear them talk I could not fail, 

They talked so very loud. 

2. 
Both on my left and on my right, 

The weather was the theme, 
While others listened with delight 

To some new business scheme. 

The grocers talked of flour and tea,. 

The dry goods men of cloth, 
Another of the doctor's fee, 

And he seemed very wroth. 

4- 
And others talked about their pets,. 

And some of boots and shoes, 
And yonder a reporter sits, 

And gathers in the news. 

5- 
At length all heard a gent near by„ 

Loudly of order speak. 
And system, good for all to try, 

For that we all should seek. 



6. 
" My wife for order beats them all, 

Puts things where they belong, 
In summer, winter, spring or fall, 

She'll do it with a song. 

7- 

41 Whate'er she needs she always finds, 

She knows just where to go ; 
If like a horse I should wear blinds 
I'd find my things, I know. 

8. 
44 Could go for them the darkest night 

That mortal ever knew, 
To find them, yes, and find them right, 

And in good order, too. 

9- 

44 A handkerchief, common or best, 

Can find just what I need ; 

This morning I gave that a test 

As I left home with speed. 

10. 
" When to the bureau drawer I went, 

Before the light of day, 
This handkerchief without a rent, 

I wanted, anyway." 
1 1. 
But, when he placed it to his nose, 

Himself he then could rap, 
Until then he did not suppose 

He had his wife's nightcap. 



12. 

He saw the cap strings hanging down, 

Perhaps a foot or more ; 
That made him feel like some mean clown, 

While all on board did roar. 

13. 

For order she was Number One, 

The very best, 'tis said, 
But as for order, he had none, 

Was simply a blockhead. 
14. 
We call that man a great blockhead, 

We know we call him right , 
And if you saw him in his bed, 

When he's asleep at night, 

15. 
You'd find his head at foot of bed, 

His feet on pillows white, 
When lately to his friends he'd said, 

" My order is just right." 

16. 
A wife with order man should prize, 

She's worth her weight in gold ; 
Without it he would realize 

That he had cause to scold. 

17- 
While praising wife, let me propose, 

Her order don't discard, 
By letting nightcap strings from nose 
Hang down, say half a yard. 
12 



TRIALS OF A BACHELOR. 

i. 
He waited on his girl, he said, 

Until 'twas time to know, 
Whether the thought was in her head, 

To be his wife or no. 

2. 

He had not asked her for her hand, 

But meant to, long ago, 
And when he asked, you understand, 

All that she said was " No." 

3- 
That "no" to him caused much surprise, 

It made him quickly start, 
He pulled his hat down o'er his eyes 

And said, " I guess we'll part." 

4- 
He was as mad as a March hare, 

And to himself he said : 
" While life shall last, I now declare, 

I'll ask no girl to wed." 

5- 
" What could induce her to say no, 

I surely can't surmise ; 
Bad rubbish, she ! then let her go I 

I'll make my cakes and pies. 

13 



6. 
" Or I can buy them without her, 

Better than she can make, 
Or cook myself, which I prefer, 

And that's the course I'll take." 

7- 

That foolish man ! why did not he 

Avoid all mental pain, 
And with some other girl be free, 
And her attention gain. 

8. 
They say that fish are in the pond 

As good as ever caught, 
And he could find a girl — a blonde, 

Fair as the one he sought. 

9- 
But men do foolish things, we know, 

And women do the same, 
And sometimes as they older grow, 

Would like to change their name. 

10. 
Better not change unless you know 

Just what you are about ; 
'Tis easy to get in a scrape, 

But harder to get out. 
1 1. 
That foolish man made a mistake, 

Because that girl said " No." 
If he had just been wide awake, 

He'd found a wife, we know. 



12. 

1 Ic started out to hire a room ; 

44 I'll live alone," he said. 
* 4 For I know how to use a broom, 

And I can make my bed. 

13- 

44 I can live cheap and save my cash, 

Then soon I'll live at ease. 
I've bought no tools yet to chop hash, 

I'll first try bread and cheese." 
14. 
He bought his bread and cheese and ate, 

And put some on the shelf, 
Rejoicing that he had no mate, 

And was all by himself. 

15- 
But in the night he heard a noise, 

That scared him half to death. 
He thought 'twas bad men or bad boys, 

He nearly lost his breath. 

16. 
With all the bed clothes o'er his head, 

Could get but little air; 
And to a friend he later said, 

44 I might have died right there." 

17. 
The house was old, and rats and mice, 

Ran through that house at will ; 
The bread and cheese they ate was nice, 

And they all took their fill. 



In that old house he would not stay. 

The rats made such a din, 
And took his bread and cheese away, 

And that he thought was sin. 
19. 
Next day he hired another place, 

He thought it very nice, 
As he could sleep there with good gr; 

Away from rats and mice. 

20. 
That night he started out, that he 

His larder might supply ; 
He came home late and did not see 

That any dog was nigh. 

21. 

He started to go in the door, 

And as he did advance, 
That dog took out a foot or more 

Of cloth, from his best pants. 
22. 
He dared not go into the street 

And call for the police, 
For he had lost from his best pants 

Quite an important piece. 

23- 
With rapid strides he finds his room. 

And quickly goes to bed, 
Behind his bed he puts his broom, 

" For self defence," he said. 

16 



24- 

He went to sleep and in the night 
Some one rapped on the door ; 

And that gave him a greater fright 
Than e'er he'd had before. 

25- 

Some one cried out, " This is my room! 

I've boarded here a year. 
No matter if you're bride and groom, 

You just get out, d'you hear? " 

26. 
" Call on the landlord, sir," he said, 

44 And he will make it right ; 
I've hired this room, I've used the bed, 

I cannot leave to-night." 
27. 
The landlord said it was all right, 

He put the bach in there ; 
To turn him out at dead of night, 

He thought, would not be fair. 

28. 
A better room he gave that man 

And he was glad to swop, 
And had they not fixed on that plan, 

The bach must surely hop. 
29. 
When morning came the bach soon said 

To landlord, 44 Can I stay ? " 
" Why, yes," said he, " go right ahead, 

And fix things your own way." 

17 



30- 

" The cost of moving, loss of pants, 

And so forth, has been great ; 
I'll fix up now and take my chance 
To have things right and straight." 

31. 
His appetite began to call 

For something good to eat ; 

He bought some sausages quite small, 

Which he could cook complete. 

32. 
He quickly made a fire of wood, 

And put his spider on, 
To have a meal he knew was good, 

And could depend upon. 

33- 
The spider soon was most red-hot, 

The grease began to fly, 
And when he hurried to the spot, 

The fat flew in his eye. 

34- 
The spider he upset by chance, 

The sausages rolled out, 
The grease went on his other pants, 

And he was mad, no doubt. 

35- 
'Twas nine o'clock and he must go, 

And started for the door, 
Said, " The first stop I make, I know, 

Will be a clothing store." 

18 



36. 
He stopped at the first clothing store, 

And to the merchant said : 

" I'd like some pants, just one pair more, 

Before I go to bed." 

37- 
'Twas almost noon, his appetite 

By this time was quite good. 
He'd have a dinner that was right, 

Of some good, wholesome food. 

38. 

He'd boil some eggs and have enough, 

For one good meal, he knew ; 
They must be tender and not tough, 

He'd cook them well all through. 

39- 
He boiled just six for half an hour, 

They were not tender then ; 
To soften them he had no power, 

He'd not boil eggs again. 
40. 
Salt cod he thought would taste quite good, 

And he bought one to broil, 
And when he ate he understood 

Why salt cod would not spoil. 

41. 
"Dry cod, if broiled, are awful salt, 

An oyster or a clam, 
I'll try a better way, I'll bake 

A little nice smoked ham." 

19 



42. 
The ham was all baked nice and brown, 

He ate a full supply ; 
He was the dryest man in town, 

Could drink a well most dry. 

43- 
That's what he thought ; he said 'twas salt, 

And salter than salt cod. 
"On cooking now I think I'll halt, 

To get there I'm not shod." 

44. 
A boarding place a friend had seen 

About a mile away ; 
But they were so confounded mean, 

He said he would not stay. 

45- 
For breakfast he ate apples, dried, 

For dinner water drank, 
For supper the dried apples swelled, 

And he grew lean and lank. 

46. 

He's thinking now upon the past, 

His troubles seem to grow, 
And now he grumbles out at last, 

" That girl should not said ' No.' ' 



20 



LAUGH OR CRY— WHICH? 

i. 
A man up town, a man well-bred, 
Laughs once a year, so it is said. 
To meet that man upon the street, 
You'd think he'd naught but sour to eat. 

2. 

Pickles, and mustard, and sauerkraut, 
From his sour face beaming out. 
You try to make that fellow smile, 
You'd have to try, sir, a good while. 

3- 

A pleasant face we all should wear, 

That suits the people anywhere, 
But if we're always sour and cross, 
Of many things we'll suffer loss. 

4- 
Amid the pleasures of this life, 

You think some time you'll take a wife ; 

But cry all night and cry all day, 

Then pop the question, she'll say " Nay." 

5- 
But give a smile and give a kiss, 

Then pop the question she'll say " Yes." 

Now we will ask you the best plan ? 

"To smile," you'll say, if you're a man. 

6. 
The man who don't know how to laugh, 
All through his life he lives on chaff, 
Cannot enjoy one-half he would, 
Were he but in a pleasant mood. 



7- 
Laughing is healthy, takes deep root, 
And stirs the blood from head to foot. 
Renews your age a hundred-fold, 
While crying would soon make you old. 

8. 
Then let our hearts be light and free, 
Well balanced with Christianity, 
For that to us will give new life, 
And help us in this world of strife. 

9- 

If crying did us any good, 
Brought up our coal or split our wood, 
Carried the worthless ashes out, 
Cured rheumatism or the gout, 

10. 

Washed all the clothes on washing day, 
Or moved our goods the first of May, 
If it did that, we'd surely say, 
Sit down and cry five hours a day. 

II. 
Please try it for a month and see, 
Then bring a full report to me, 
And I will then prescribe a laugh, 
Better for you, I know, by half. 

12. 

Then take a cheerful view of life, 
Bring far more joy to your dear wife, 
And make the children happy, too ; 
'Tis the best way, I think, don't you ? 



THE CHRONIC GRUMBLER. 

i. 
An every-day grumbler we almost despise, 
We can't say we love him unless we tell lies. 
When he gets out of bed, as likely as not, 
He'll grumble, and say it's too cold or too 
hot. 

2. 
The first thing while getting into his 

breeches, 
He scolds his wife for omitting some 

stitches ; 
A button is gone that holds his suspender, 
Then he scolds about the feminine gender. 

3- 
" They think of their hats, with feathers 

quite slender, 
But can't think of buttons for the suspender. 
Suspenders we need when to business we 

g°> 
A hat with tall feathers is simply for show." 

4- 
Now he starts for a fire and gets kindling 

wood, 
And he scolds about that, and says 'tis not 

good. 
" 'Tis a great deal too long, and so very wet 
That a fire to cook with I never can get ; 



5- 
"The chimney is foul and it never did draw, 
And this stove is the worst that I ever saw. 
And this mean coal is much harder than 

granite, 
Takes kindling enough to burn up a planet." 

6. 
With pan full of ashes he starts for the bin, 
He don't see the holes which the ash pan 

has in, 
And grumbling about wood flies out the 

back door, 
Comes back and finds ashes all over the floor. 

7- 
Said he, " Can you tell me how this came 

about ? " 
He soon saw the holes where the ashes ran 

out. 
Then he said in his wrath, " I just hate the 

man, 
Who made up for my stove so mean an ash 

pan." 

8. 
To sweep up the ashes he goes for the 

broom, 
And the ashes now fly all over the room, 
And he grumbles because the broom is worn 

out, 
And he throws down the broom and starts 



24 



9- 

Then his wife said to him, " Please stop at 
the store, 

And order some flour, the same kind as be- 
fore, 

And to have the bread right and good for 
our feast, 

Please have them send with it just one 
cake of yeast." 

10. 
" Two articles, yes, and you'll want a dozen, 
To fix things right for your forty-fifth 

cousin, 
And you'll order ten times more than you're 

able, 
To make a big show upon your own table." 

Then he goes to the store for some good 

bread flour, 
And the clever store keeper saw he was 

sour. 
He snapped and he snarled and called 

everything bad, 
Said the goods were the worst that he ever 

had. 

12. 

He goes to his home, he's sour and he 

grumbles, 
Till he sours the milk his wife saved for 

jumbles. 

25 



At tea when he calls for the jumbles to eat, 
He'll tell his poor wife she's a fraud and a 
cheat. 

13. 
It would surely be wise to have it now 

planned, 
To send all such grumblers to some foreign 

land. 
I pity the wife who is under the ban 
Of such a dissatisfied fault-finding man. 

14. 
Let him grumble and growl and constantly 

fret, 
That passion in us let us never beget. 
We've learned that good-nature and fun in 

this life, 
Is better by far for man, maiden, or wife. 

15. 
If you're sour, and you're cross, your friends 

will be few, 
And very soon keep at a distance from you. 
If pleasant and cheerful with all whom you 

meet 
Then your joy and theirs will be far more 

complete. 



26 



TWO BUSHELS OF CORN. 

I. 

One Farmer Brown was shelling corn, 

By hand and with a cob, 
To get two bushels of nice corn, 

Was quite a little job. 

2. 

But when our hearts are fully set, 

To do just what is right, 
Strength from the Lord we surely get, 

To lay our plans aright. 

3- 
Brown's neighbor, known as Peter Rugg, 

He had not used him well, 

And Farmer Brown said to his wife, 

" My story I'll soon tell. 

4- 
" While sitting here and shelling corn, 

I think a mighty deal ; 

If we're not willing to do right 

How badly we should feel! 

5- 
" If we are right we know it well, 

Our conscience is at rest ; 

If we do wrong Conscience will say, 

' Right doing is the best.' ' 

6. 
His wife now put her knitting down, 

To hear her husband say, 
" To a poor family in town, 
I'll give some corn away." 
27 



/ • 
Harry, their son, with music book, 

By one William Billings, 
Would not have failed to study that, 

Not for forty shillings ! 
8. 
For in Hard Scrabble Church he sang, 

And there was sure to go; 
And now at home he's drawling out 

"Do, do, re, mi, sol, do." 

9 
" Boy! " was a word of stern command, 

And Harry knew it well, 
When spoken to he was on hand, 

In promptness did excel. 

10. 
" Boy ! it's almost Thanksgivin' time, 

My duty I will do. 
This corn I soon shall send away, 

And send it, too, by you. 

1 1. 
"The corn I'll send to Peter Rugg ; 

He has not used me right ; 
Two bushels for the roan to lug, 

I think would be just right." 

[2. 

The border lifted from her cap, 

She at the snuffers dove, 
The candle snuffed, with spiteful dive, 

With look not full of love. 

2S 



13- 
" That Peter Rugg's a lazy man, 

And gets his livin', too, 
By doin' nothin', that's his plan ; 

I can't do that, can you ? 
12. 
11 His wife is alius visitin', 

She'll to her neighbors go. 
Eat their plum cake and apple sass, 

The neighbors told me so." 

" But Peter now you know, is sick, 
His wife must surely eat, 

And if I show him my good will, 
My joy will be complete." 

1 6. 

"Now, no such doin's I'll approve, 
This text I think complete; 

Eben, you know the Bible says, 
That you must work to eat." 

17- 
" Do, re, mi, sol, do," sang Harry, 

While humming o'er his tune, 
The Ode on Science he would sing, 

And did it very soon. 

18. 
" Well, Eben, now I do declare, 

If you send Rugg that corn, 
I hope it never will get there, 
That man I fully scorn ! " 
29 



1 9 . 
" That's not the right spirit, my dear, 

Our barns and cribs are full, 
For we've had splendid crops this year, 

All that our hands could pull. 

20. 
"Now Peter Rugg is very poor, 

The poorest man in town ; 
The only man in all the world, 

Who weighs my spirits down. 

21. 
" At peace with all men I would be, 

This may make him my friend, 
My duty won't be done by me, 

Until the corn I send. 
22. 
" Now, boy, you go to singing-school ! " 

And Harry slipped away, 
The Ode on Science sang by rule. 

'Twas better far than play. 

23. 
The morning breaks, and breakfast o'er, 

To business they attend. 
" Now, Eunice, as I said before, 

That corn to Rugg I'll send. 
24. 
" Now, boy, bring up the old roan horse, 

And take this corn to mill, 
Then take the meal to Peter Rugg, 

To show him my good will. 

30 



25- 

"To Peter Rugg just simply say, 

' My father sent it here ' ; 
It may surprise him, and it may 

Fill him with thoughts quite queer. 

26. 
" As we've not been on friendly terms, 

He'll think it very strange, 
But when its history he learns, 

The whole thing I'll arrange." 
27. 
The bag was thrown across the steed, 

A bushel in each end, 
And Harry mounted with great speed, 

Now toward the mill they tend. 

28. 
The morning sun shone bright and clear, 

It was a charming day ; 
To Harry this was just good cheer, 

None like it every day. 
29. 
Young Harry Brown was full of song, 

Attended singing-school, 
Nor did it take this young man long, 

To learn to sing by rule. 

30. 
In fact, the very night before, 

In song he rated high, 
The Ode on Science he could sing, 

And grand old Majesty. 

31 



31- 
Now onward to the mill he went, 

Singing aloud for joy ; 
A day by him could thus be spent, 

He was a happy boy. 

32. 
It seemed that Farmer Brown had mice, 

And they were very sly, 

And they loved corn as well as rice, 

Hence this nice corn they try. 

33- 
They spied the bag the night before, 

Tied tight and full of corn ; 
To gnaw two holes was no great chore, 

They did it before morn. 

34. 
The holes were small, you may depend, 

By Brown they were not seen, 
But those small holes in either end, 

Soon did a work 'twas mean. 

35- 
The horse while walking shook the bag, 

The corn came out quite slow ; 
I have no doubt the poor old nag 

Was glad to have it go. 

36- 

The corn fell gently to the ground, 

No sound did Harry hear; 
The hens and geese soon gathered round, 

To them it gave good cheer. 

32 



37- 
Harry was in the land of song, 

Was singing with a will, 
And as he scattered corn around, 

The gobblers had their fill. 

38. 

The old mill now is in full view. 

" I must adjust this sack, 
For it really seems to me, 

I feel the horse's back." 

39- 
Harry dismounts to fix the bag, 

When lo ! 'tis empty, quite. 
He thought the horse had quite a jag, 

Hence he is in a fright. 

40. 
He thought of witches and of ghosts, 

His mother's wish recalled. 
His father's face he feared the most, 

And there he stood, appalled. 
41. 
"One thing is sure, I can't stay here, 

Nor can I go to mill ; 
I have no corn to make the meal, 

The bag I cannot fill. 

42. 
No other way for me to do, 

But travel right straight home, 
And should my father punish me, 

Then I must let it come." 



53 



43- 
He mounts his horse, is homeward bound, 

Sings less, but whistles more. 

He soon is wrapt in thought profound. 

When near his father's door. 

44. 
He reaches home, his father smiles. 

" Boy, what did Peter say ? " 
" I — don't know, sir — I've rode for miles, 

Have not seen him to-day." 

45- 
" But where's the corn you took away? " 

" Father, I cannot tell ; 
There's lots of witches in our day, 

And mother knows it well." 

46. 

" There, Eben ! " cries the farmer's wife, 

I surely told you so. 
No corn you'll get there during life, 

That's solemn truth, I know." 

47- 
" We'll see, we'll see," says Farmer Brown, 

" I'll shell two bushels more." 
And so he shells that very night, 

As much as shelled before. 

48. 

The corn was put into a bag, 
And thrown on old roan's back, 

" Now, boy, go on with the kind nag, 
I'll follow in your track. 

34 



49- 
" I'll see if witches, small or great, 

Can steal a bag of corn, 
And leave the bag in such a shape 

As Harry's was this morn." 

This corn in safety reached the mill, 
The bag was filled with meal, 

The object gained by Brown's good will, 
And his untiring zeal. 

Now o'er the hills they quickly go, 
And soon reached Peter's home. 

Brown says, " I hear that you are sick, 
To do you good I've come. 

,52. 
<l A bag of meal I've brought up here, 

From the old mill, you see. 

If you are worse, just let me hear, 

Be sure and send for me." 

53- 
" Now, Eben Brown, just let me say, 

This is too much for me, 
If you'll forgive me this glad day, 

Your friend for life I'll be." 

54- 
" Now, Peter Rugg, that is all right, 

I now forgive you all ; 
When you're in need, by day or night, 

On me you then may call." 

35 



FATE OF A DRUMMER WHO 

FAILED TO LOCK HIS 

HOTEL DOOR. 



Washington City, it is said, * 
Furnishes more strangers with a bed 
Than any in the states, that's so, 
Except the city Chicago. 

2. 

A man and wife who lived out West, 
Thought a Washington trip the best ; 
When they passed through the hotel door, 
Took quarters upon the third floor. 

3- 

The husband was an invalid, 
Had stomach troubles, yes, he did ; 
And from the facts it now appears, 
He'd suffered with them for some years. 

4- 
He went to Washington to see 
If a postmaster he could be, 
For it surely was a pity 
Not to be such in his city. 

5- 
He brought his good wife with him there, 
That he, if sick, could have good care. 
And sick he was on the first night, 
Which placed them both in a sad plight. 

36 



6. 
At midnight he was seized with cramps, 
His wife must start for gas or lamps, 
And start for mustard plaster, too, 
That was the only thing 'twould do. 

7- 

Hence mustard with her she had brought 
As other things would go for naught ; 
And cloths, that she might plasters make, 
All for her loving husband's sake. 

8. 
For mustard plaster to be spread 
She wanted water, so she said ; 
That she might quickly make her paste, 
She starts for water then, in haste. 

9- 
She soon found water, so they state, 
Made plaster size of dinner plate, 
And put it on as she had planned, 
And hurried back to wash her hand. 

io. 
She washed and wiped, and very soon 
She started back for her own room, 
And entered it, as she supposed, 
The gas pipe being almost closed. 

ii. 
In fact 'twas almost dark, she said, 
And she stepped lightly to the bed ; 
With mingled thoughts of hope and fear, 
Said, "You feel better now, my dear?" 

37 



12. 

As not a word her husband said 
She thought she'd lie down on the bed. 
Around the bed she then did glide, 
And then lay down on the outside. 

T "> 

That tired man slept like a rock, 

You might have thrown him off the dock; 

That's why the well-known drummer, 

John, 
Felt not the plaster when put on. 

14. 
Her mind on curing him was set ; 
She said, " Do you feel better, pet?" 
He turned and stretched and grunted 

"Hey?" 
Of course she did no longer stay. 

15. 

She bounded like an antelope, 
Ran screeching through the hall, in hope 
Of finding husband safe and sound, 
Although no plaster had he found. 

16. 
Poor soul ! she was in such a fright, 
She feared she'd die that very night. 
A door ajar which she looked through 
Her husband's hat was in full view. 

38 



i7- 
Then through that door she quickly went, 
Her husband knew not what it meant, 
For there he sat upright in bed, 
And in imploring tones he said : 

18. 

" Martha, what is it makes you cry ? 
And what is that loud groan and sigh ? " 
The drummer felt the plaster burn, 
And now to yell it was his turn. 

19. 
His hands were clasped across his head, 
He feared that he would soon be dead. 
He drank — was told to turn about, 
Or drink would eat his bowels out. 

20. 
And being somewhat in a daze, 
He thought that thing was taking place. 
The pain was so severe, no doubt, 
He thought it was inside, not out. 

21. 

" Landlord ! " he cries, " in mercy come ! 
Before I die here in my room ! 
Drink is eating my bowels through ! 
My friends told me that's what 'twould 
do." 

22. 
To ease the pain, you understand, 
He put upon it his right hand, 

39 



But when it struck the mustard paste, 
He pulled that hand away in haste. 

23- 
Just as the landlord came to help, 
He left his bed and gave a yelp. 
The wicked man began to swear, 
And asked who put that plaster there? 

24. 
" That's a strange question, sir, 'tis true, 
If any one can tell, 'tis you, 
Now you be still as any mouse, 
Or quickly leave my quiet house." 

25. 
Martha then wiped her tears away, 
And to her husband thus did say: 
" I'll — tell you, dear, when my words 

come, 
I — I — got into the wrong room." 

26. 
The husband being still in pain, 
Would now the mustard plaster gain ; 
" Please put it on, soon as you can," 
Said she, " It's on the other man." 



40 



THE GREAT TRAVELER. 



He lived in Milford, state Ct., 

He had not traveled far, 
And now intends the world to see, 

And quickly takes a car. 

2. 

He starts for that far distant land, 

And Derby is the name, 
The sights to him were truly grand, 

He then was winning fame. 

3- 

Admiring friends on his return 

Would honor him, he knew, 
While, wondering, they from him would 
learn, 

What passed before his view. 

4- 
Hence on he goes, nor distance heeds, 

Nor cash he has to pay, 
But follows where the engine leads, 
To far Ansonia. 

41 



5- 
Here his astonished gaze is met 

By iron works and brass; 
And almost dazed, he never yet 

Thought this would come to pass. 

6. 
Such sights he had not seen before. 

Was bound to travel far, 
And to that distant land, Seymour, 

Went all the way by car. 

7- 

Wonder of wonders ! such surprise I 
That copper piles immense 

They did not quickly utilize 
For good old-fashioned cents. 



&" 



" To travel so, at such great cost, 

I know takes lots of pluck, 
If in that distant land I'm lost, 

I must see Naugatuck." 

9- 
He sees the rubber shop up there, 

Where they make shoes and clothes, 
Said he, " I'll to the woods repair, 
And see where rubber grows." 
10. 

He has the traveling fever strong, 

Now he is quite merry, 
" And should it take the whole day long, 

I'll see Waterbury." 

42 



II. 
He stood the journey, got there safe, 

And oh ! what sights he saw ! 
But he was hungry, took a lunch 

Of corn beef and cold slaw. 

12. 
Then started out amid the din 

Of tools while working brass, 
But soon his head did fairly swim. 

Said he, " This place I'll pass. 

13- 

" I'll go straight home and tell them there, 

This world is awful large ; 
My knowledge of it if they'd share, 

I'll give it free of charge." 

14. 

And home he went, 'twas meeting night, 

His duty he'd discharge. 
Said he, " My friends, I never thought 

This world was half as large." 



43 



MY BEST GIRL. 

i. 

There's my best girl, she's awful nice, 
I'd not miss her at any price ; 
She's awful nice, and awful good, 
And handsome, too, that's understood. 

2. 

And people say she's awful smart, 
In all good works she does her part ; 
She's awful kind, as all can see, 
And she is just the girl for me. 

3- 

She's awful kind to those in need, 
And often helps them out with speed. 
Her disposition's awful good, 
She'd injure no one if she could. 

4- 
At home she keeps things awful nice, 
And that she does without advice ; 
She sweeps the carpets awful clean, 
And dirt upon them is not seen. 

5- 
Her windows, they are azvful clean, 
And clear as any ever seen ; 
And then her stove looks awful nice, 
Ready for puddings, bread or rice. 

44 



6. 
Her pantry's akvays awful clean, 
And nice as any ever seen ; 
Her crockery looks aivful nice, 
Her castor and her cans for spice. 

7- 

Azvful good bread this girl can make, 

'And with it aivful good loaf cake. 
And she can frost it azvful nice, 
And it would sell for a good price. 

8. 
And she can bake a good beef roast, 
Or make you aivful good bread toast, 
Or make an awful good mince pie, 
One that will surely satisfy. 

9- 

She's awful good to her mother, 
And awful kind to her brother; 
And awful clever to her cat, 
And awful careful of her hat. 

io. 
And awful neat with all her clothes, 
And nice to all, where'er she goes. 
She's awful bright and awful spry, 
Like Washington, she could not lie. 

It's awful hard such girls to find 
But she is surely the right kind. 
And if I fail her hand to take, 
An awful mistake I should make. 

45 



SCENE IN A SLEEPING CAR GO- 
ING TO THE WORLD'S FAIR AT 
CHICAGO. 

i. 
A couple from the country came 

To be made man and wife. 
They saw the preacher, told their name, 

Said they'd be true through life. 

2. 

The knot was tied, he asked the price, 

For making two as one ; 
The preacher gave him this advice : 

Pay well, for 'tis well done. 

3- 
He went into his pocket deep, 

And took out fifty cents, 
Said he, " I know a wife will keep, 

And I'll not mind expense." 

4- 
The preacher then wished them much joy, 

Upon this hemisphere. 
The kind that's pure, free from alloy, 
They paid for it so dear. 
46 



5- 
That day they took a sleeping car, 

And started for the Fair ; 
They never thought it was so far, 

Twas tiresome getting there. 

6. 
When night came on they needed rest, 

And hence they soon retire, 
But couldn't sleep, they tried their best, 

The car was hot as fire. 

7- 
Thermometer all through the day 

Was ninety in the shade ; 
They in the sun rode all the way, 

On up and downward grade. 

8. 
The water tank all through the day 

They patronized full well, 
And in the night he heard her say, 

" I've waited quite a spell, 

9- 

" To have them all get sound asleep, 
That I might get some drink ; 

Then from the berth so still I'll creep, 
That none will hear, I think." 

10. 

Said he, " I'll go and get you drink, 
You need not go for that, 

47 



The car is none too light I think, 
You'll need eyes like a bat." 

1 1. 
Said she, " You'll make an awful noise, 

And wake all in the car, 
But I won't wake old folks or boys, 

The distance is not far." 



The car was still, all were asleep, 

At least so she supposed. 
Now from the berth she'll slyly creep, 

Quite still, as she supposed. 

13- 

" The car I think is none too light, 

But I will try and see ; 
That I may find our berth aright, 
Hold out some sign for me ; 

14. 
" Put out your foot and then I'll know 

Just where to stop, I'm sure, 
In the wrong berth if I should get, 

I shouid not feel secure." 

15. 

The passengers were wide awake, 

Heard every word she said, 
And now some fun they'd like to make, 

While she was out of bed. 

4* 



1 6. 
She started for the water tank, 

Nor loud breath did she draw, 
But when with water she came back, 

What do you think she saw ? 

17. 
A dozen feet or something less, 

Stuck out there in a row, 
One from each berth, and none could guess, 

Into which berth she'd go. 

18. 

Her husband's foot should have a tag, 

Or handkerchief tied on, 
Or better still a little flag, 

She could depend upon. 

19. 
" My husband if I do not find, 

My heart will surely break, 
I'm sure I can't make up my mind, 

Which of these berths to take." 

20. 
" This is the one ! " he loudly cries, 

" My dear, come here to me ! " 
To her that was a glad surprise, 

A happy wife was she 



49 



THE PREACHER'S DONATION 
PARTY. 

i. 
In years gone by, please let us say, 
Some preachers got but little pay. 
In some small towns people were poor, 
They couldn't pay much, we are sure. 

2. 
Three or four hundred at the best 
Was all some preachers could request. 
And if they got it all in cash, 
It was not spent for worthless trash. 

3- 

A preacher in a town near by, 
A man on whom they could rely ; 
He did for them a pastor's work, 
Nor from his duty would he shirk. 

4- 
His salary was very small, 
And 'twas hard work to get it all. 
And to his members it was clear, 
That they must try his heart to cheer. 

5- 
His salary was way behind, 
The cash they did not seem to find; 
Then upon investigation, 
Said they's give him a donation. 

50 



6. 

To have the party nice and fine, 
They fixed upon hog-killing time, 
In weather cold, when pork would keep, 
So they could live both good and cheap. 

7- 
The farmers often let it freeze, 
Then it would keep a month, with ease. 
Fat pork they put right down in salt, 
And live on fresh a week, then halt. 

8. 
Very soon came zero weather, 
Many killed their hogs together. 
Then there was some agitation 
About the preacher's donation. 

9- 
Variety's the spice of life, 
Hence they would please the preacher's wife. 
And carry them all parts, they said, 
That wife and preacher be well fed. 

10. 
They met at house of Brother A., 
And while together there, did say, 
What kind of piece each one would take, 
Thereby a good donation make. 

Said Brother A.: " Sparerib I'll take," 
Said B. : " I'll follow in your wake." 
Said Brother C. : " I'll take two more," 
And that did end the sparerib score. 

5 1 



12. 

Said Brother D. : " I'll take shoulder." 
That made one man somewhat bolder, 
For Brother E. said : " Now just halt ! 
For I'll take two, they're good to salt." 

13- 

Says Brother F. : " I'll take a ham, 
As tender as a young spring lamb. 
It's better far than beef or fish, 
None can ignore so good a dish." 

14. 

Says Brother G. : " I'll take ham, too, 
If salt, 'twill keep the winter through, 
And if his hens now give him eggs, 
I think 'twill keep him on his legs." 

15- 
Says Brother H. : " I fail to see 
The room for much fresh pork from me. 
I'll salt some hocks and he'll live high 
On those, the tender, nice pig's thigh." 

16. 
Now Brother I. they kindly greet, 
He volunteers to bring pig's feet, 
Says he can clean them to a dot, 
And when they're cooked they touch the 
spot. 

17- 
Then Brother J. arose and said : 
" None of you yet have named the head, 

5 2 



Now I can say with sincere heart, 
For me there is no better part. 

18. 

" And now I tell you without fail, 
His boys will look to find the tail. 
Hoys have a way the tails to roast, 
That they are good they make their boast. 

19. 
" Now, after all that I have said, 
I'll take the tails and take the head. 
Our preacher we will not disgrace, 
And say 'tis the minister's face." 

20. 
And now perhaps you'd like to know, 
Why boys did for the pig tails go. 
As I have said boys made their boast, 
When they could get pig tails to roast. 

21. 

In bygone days when they burnt wood, 
On hot hearthstones boys understood 
That they could bake pig tails quite nice, 
Nor did they need to ask advice. 

22. 
The writer once saw young boys roast 
Pig tails quite good with bread or toast. 
Now let me tell you how 'twas done, 
As for the boys 'twas real fun. 

S3 



23- 
They took brown paper, a large sheet, 
And wet it through and through, complete. 
They fold it once, put on the tails, 
Roll it like pictures sent by mails. 

24. 
On the hot hearth the roll was laid, 
And ashes hot as ever made, 
Covered that roll quite near the fire, 
And soon the boys had their desire. 

25. 
For in due time the tails were done, 
And then the boys were ripe for fun. 
The paper they unrolled with care, 
And nice and clean the tails were there. 

26. 
And were well-baked and steamed all 

through, — 
But they might not taste good to you. 
Those boys would say pig tails that's right, 
Put ox-tail soup quite " out of sight." 

27. 
Well now, this beats all creation, 
I didn't finish that donation. 
That night, at house of Brother B. 
They said : " To-morrow night we'll see, 

28. 
" If we can do our preacher good. 
We'll all go there, that's understood. 

54 



If sad, we'll make his heart rejoice, 
By carrying some food that's choice." 

29. 
They went, — 'twas really a surprise, 
He scarcely could believe his eyes ; 
He thought his members although poor, 
Were starting a meat market, sure. 

30. 
Just then one brother quite well read, 
To his dear pastor quickly said, 
"Your salary is quite behind, 
But we won't let you starve, you'll find. 

31. 

" And we have brought you down some 

meat, 
Which you will find quite good to eat ; 
The weather's cold, just keep it froze, 
'Twill keep some time then, we suppose." 

32. 
The preacher said : " I'm glad to see 
That you have kindly thoughts of me. 
If you have not the ready cash, 
I'll live awhile on pork and hash." 

33- 
Just then a rap upon the door, 
Was heard, from just one sister more. 
Although that sister was quite late 
The preacher thought her good and great. 

55 



34- 
That sister he did not discard, 

As she brought sausage, a full yard. 

" And these," said he, " I need not freeze, 

They'll keep to cook whene'er I please." 

35- 
The brethren stayed and talked awhile, 
And some who'd walked at least a mile, 
Declared that it was time to start, 
Or be late home, however smart. 

36- 
Now very soon came the " Good-night," 
The preacher's friends were out of sight, 
And soon the preacher did explore 
His larder, o'er, and o'er, and o'er. 

37- 
But hark ! and hear the preacher say, 
" I can't eat all this anyway ; 
I shan't live long enough to eat 
The ribs and hocks, and head and feet. 

. 38 -„ 
" How my head swims ! " the preacher said : 

"I think I'd better go to bed, 

And take a look by morning light, 

And plan to fix that meat aright." 

39- 
The morning came, he looked it o'er, 
Said he : " I'll salt one-half or more; 
The other half I'll let that freeze, 
And that will my dear brother please." 

56 



4 o. 
Ho ate of sparerib that day, twice, 

And found it very sweet and nice, 

And the next day he ate still more, 

And found it nice, as heretofore. 

41. 
But after eating it a week, 
Some other food he tried to seek. 
He tried a bowl of bread and milk, 
And that to him was nice as silk. 

42. 
His pork was there, though, all the same, 
And he had pork of every name ; 
And even then it did appear 
As though he must eat pork a year. 

43- 
" And I ate pork," the preacher said, 
" Soon after getting out of bed, 
And then at noon I tried some hog, 
To help me on life's journey jog. 

44. 
11 And then at night some pig, 'twas cold, 
And soon that kind of grub grew old ; 
And the next day I ate some swine, 
And then I did begin to whine ; 

45> 
11 But didn't grunt, nor root, nor squeal, 
Nor have pig's hoofs on toes or heel, 
Nor bristles cover me all o'er, 
But might if I'd ate pork much more." 

57 



TAKE A WIFE ; OR 
ADVICE TO YOUNG MEN. 



Take a wife if you can get her, 
'Tis the better plan, by far. 

On this planet you'll not shine much, 
If you're simply a lone star. 



Take a wife if you can get her 
They're a helpmate, we can say, 

One to travel with is better. 

On life's rough and lonely way. 

3- 
Take a wife if you can get her, 

Cheerless now a bach appears. 
And at times almost as lonesome. 

As a half a pair of shears. 

4- 
Take a wife if you can get her, 

And start out in life anew ; 
Bachelors who are quite happy, 

You will find but very few. 

58 



5- 
Take a wife if you can get her ; 

She can bake, or boil, or fry. 
And to sew on missing buttons, 

On a wife you can rely. 

6. 
Take a wife if you can get her, 

Let her then your home arrange ; 
And your home you might have nicer, 

If you gave her your loose change. 

7- 
Take a wife if you can get her, 

Treat her kindly every day, 
And amid life's changes let her 

See you walk in wisdom's way. 

8. 
Take a wife if you can get her, 

Love her as you love your life; 
In this world there's nothing better 

Than a happy home and wife. 



59 



THAT CABBAGE LEAF. 



'Twas summer, and 'twas awful hot, 
The sun would almost boil a pot, 
Or singe the hair from cat or dog, 
Or bring to grief the big bull frog, 

2. 

If from the water he should dare, 
With mortals, the hot sun to share ; 
Then very soon he'd come to grief, 
Without the shade of cabbage leaf. 

i- 
And men, for fear they'd come to grief, 
Walked beneath a cabbage leaf. 
They simply put one in their hat, 
For fear the sun would strike them flat. 

4- 
And many could be found that day 
Who wore those leaves in that same way 
For of such leaves it may be said, 
They're good protection for the head. 

5- 
A gentleman, a busy man, 
Thought he would simply try that plan, 
And to his garden did repair, 
But lo ! no cabbage leaf was there. 

6o 



6. 
And hence he thought to take their place, 
He'd use a worn out pillow case, 
Which, doubled up four times or more, 
Would hold cold water quite a store. 

7- 
Twas white, and folded nice and flat, 
And put inside his business hat. 
Now to his business quickly goes, 
But smells no cabbage leaf, he knows. 

8. 
To fix his business up complete, 
He must go through a central street. 
Meeting ladies, raised his hat ; 
That cabbage leaf struck the walk flat, 



And struck quite near the ladies, too, 
And then they laughed, as ladies do. 
This man felt bad and almost base, 
But he picked up no pillow case. 

10. 
But kept right on, looked straight ahead, 
And wished that case was on the bed. 
He's worn no pillow case since then, 
To bow to ladies or to men. 



6 1 



MARRIED; AND GOT TRUSTED 
FOR A COW. 

i. 
There lived in an adjoining town, 
A farmer's son named Billy Brown, 
Although quite poor, was smart, 'tis said, 
And he felt quite inclined to wed. 

2. 

He waited on a lady fair, 

And his intentions did declare, 

To her, and to his father, too, 

To find out just what he could do. 

*> 
:>• 

He asked of her her hand, that night, 
Said she, " I think 'twill not be right, 
To now refuse your offered hand, 
I'd take no other in the land." 

4- 
His cup of bliss was full that night. 
He could support a wife all right. 
He thought he'd get along somehow, 
If he could only keep a cow. 

5- 
Said he, " I've not the cash to buy 
A cow, just now, they are so high ; 

62 



Father might sell me one on trust, 

Although he's poor, I think he must." 

6. 
To father he then made appeal, 
And very soon he made him feel, 
Like helping" his good, faithful son, 
The more so as he had but one 

7- 
Said he, " I'll sell you a young cow, 
But you must pay for her somehow, 
Because, you know, I'm very poor, 
Would give her, if I could, I'm sure. 

8. 
u If payment should quite hard appear, 
Pa}- me a little, every year ; 
And that will make your burden light, 
And you'll soon own the cow outright." 

9- 

l ' All right," said he, " that's understood, 

Now father, you are real good. 
1 think we now can get along, 
As both of us are young and strong." 

10. 
Bill lived for years and oft did say, 
44 For that nice cow I did not pay. 
My family is large," he said, 
44 And we've worked hard for clothes and 
bread." 

63 



1 1. 

One day he seemed somewhat surprised, 
Sat down, and thus soliloquized : 
' I owe my father for a cow, 
And he must have his pay, somehow. 

12. 
" And if I've not the cash to pay, 
Must arrange it some other way. 
My oldest boys are large and strong, 
And father's work could help along. 

13- 
I'll send them both down there to-day, 
And have them help him get his hay, 
And they must stay and father aid, 
Until the debt for cow is paid." 

14. 
They stayed and worked all through the 

fall, 
Nor did they shirk their work at all. 
Helped gather crops, cut winter's wood, 
To Grandpa they were real good. 

15. 
Grandpa went home with them one day, 
And father spoke of "cow" and "pay." 
" Now, Bill, don't say a word," said he, 
" The boys in work have well paid me." 



64 



THE WOULD-BE BEAU. 

One night he went to see his girl, 

And slipped in on the sly ; 
She was upstairs her hair to curl, 

Her beau she did not spy. 

2. 

He hid behind the sofa, then, 

Where they had often sat, 
Like other girls and nice young men, 

When they sit down to chat. 

3- 
Her hair is curled and now she's down, 

Upon the lower floor ; 
There stood a chap whose name was Brown, 

Who had been there before. 

4- 
And this same Brown, he was the beau 

She loved by far the best ; 
The other chap would come and go, 

An uninvited guest. 

5- 
Only a neighbor, but he tried 

To make her his own, sure, 
But that night he was satisfied, 

That he was insecure. 

65 



6. 
With Brown she then did talk, and sit 

Upon that sofa, mind, 
Where the first caller, dressed up neat, 

Had quickly hid behind. 

7- 
Not then quite dark, they had no light, 

She then said to her beau : 
~" George, I am glad you've come to-nigh-t, 

That Joe Smith plagues me so." 
8. 
"Who's that Joe Smith, what's he to you ? 

I thought that you loved me?" 
" And so I do, I tell you true, 

But 'tis this way, you see. 

9; 

•' Some years ago he lived next door, 

We knew each other well; 
What makes him now so great a bore, 
I'm sure I cannot tell. 

io. 
" He often calls to chat awhile, 

With all the folks, you know, 
I surely do not like his style, 

And often wish he'd go. 

ii. 
" Perhaps he takes a shine to me, 

I don't see why he should, 
But this one fact, I now agree, 
It will do him no good. 
66 



12. 

44 Of course I have to treat him well, 
Our folks have known him long, 

But if he'd stay away a spell, 
I'd sing a cheerful song." 

13- 
44 Confound the greenhorn ! can't he see, 

You don't want him around ? 
He must seem green, it seems to me, 

When in your presence found. 
14. 
u I'd just tell him to keep away, 

You have no time to spare, 
And, furthermore, would plainly say, 

4 My love you cannot share.' " 

15. 
Behind that sofa Joe Smith lay, 

Until about half dead, 
And he heard all they had to say, 

If he was not well read. 

r6. 

Joe Smith was awful mad at Brown ; 

He thought when Brown went out, 
He'd show him, if he was a clown, 

That he could cut him out. 

17. 
Brown and his girl, till twelve o'clock, 

Upon that sofa sat, 
While Joe Smith's floor was like a rock, 

His pillow was his hat. 

67 



i8. 

Just then the father came downstairs, 

Told Brown 'twas time to go ; 
That seemed an answer to Joe's prayers, 

It was good news for Joe. 

1 9. 

And while they chatted at the gate, 
Joe thought he'd leave the house, 

And this he'd do at any rate, 
As still as any mouse. 

20. 
Joe started then to hurry out, 

The big chair threw him down, 
Just then he thought he was about 

The sorest man in town. 

21. 

His fall waked them all up, 'tis said, 

The girl then heard it, too, 
They saw Joe holding on his head, 

And said " Joe, is that you ? " 

22. 
" How came you here ? " they at him stare, 

And Joe could hardly say, 
" I hid behind the sofa, there, 

But did not mean to stay." 



us 



HER SODA WATER. 

i. 

She walked into the drug store, 

He met her with a smile ; 
As she had often done before, 

She sat and talked awhile. 

2. 
" I want some medicine," said she, 

" Well, — Epsom salts, a dose ; 
And just how much I fail to see, 

You know, sir, I suppose. 

3- 
" I'm told you fix it up some way, 

So that it don't taste bad ; 
If you can fix this so to-day, 

I should be very glad." 

4- 
While she the morning paper scanned, 

He did prepare the dose, 
Behind his soda water stand, 

While watching her quite close. 

69 



5- 
" The day is very hot," said he, 

Our soda's very nice, 
Just try a glass of it and see, 

You'll think that's good advice." 

6. 

He mixed the salts with syrups rare, 

He now adds soda, too ; 
The lady drank, and said just there, 

" I think that's fine, don't you ? " 

7> 
" Why, yes," said he, M we always keep 

The very best in town ; 
On soda we are not asleep, 

And ours has great renown." 

8. 
" Put up the medicine, just here, 

'Tis time for me to go." 
" You took it with the soda, dear, 

'Twill do you good, I know." 

9- 

"The salts were for my mother, sir, 
You good for nothing dog ! 

I wouldn't serve a friend that way, 
Nor so abuse a hog." 



70 



THE BOY, GEORGE WASHINGTON. 

George Washington, he would do good 

He started out for kindling wood. 

Said he : " I'll bet a copper cent, 

I'll cut good wood for the old gent. 

A cherry-tree he soon espied, 

To that his hatchet he applied ; 

That cherry-tree was soon cut down. 

His father met him with a frown, 

And said : " My son, come here to me ! 

Who cut that little cherry-tree ? " 

" I cut it, father, that is true, 

With my new hatchet, bought by you." 

" What made you cut it down, my son ? 

To bear good fruit it had begun." 

" I did it, father, for your sake, 

For you some kindling wood to make." 

At this his father could but smile, 

And after thinking for awhile, 

Said he : " My son, I think you're true, 

Therefore I will not punish you, 

Although that cherry-tree by me 

Was prized far more than wood can be, 

But as you promptly told me true, 

I most cheerfully forgive you. 

And now, my son, through all your life, 

Amid all tumult and all strife, 

Cling to the truth, on God rely, 

Until He calls you home on high." 

71 



A BACHELOR'S WOES. 

i. 
A bachelor, we should suppose, 
Would be annoyed with many woes. 
I mean the bach who lives alone, 
And has no home to call his own ; 

2. 

But hires a room, cooks for himself, 
Keeps bread and cheese upon the shelf, 
Together with his pork and beans, 
Potatoes, turnips, and cold greens ; 

3- 

And milk that's spoiled, and butter, too, 
And pie that's moldy through and through 
Cold coffee in his coffee pot, 
From which he drinks when dry and hot. 

4- 
Not only cooks, but mends his clothes, 
Darns up the holes worn through his hose, 
Sews buttons on his shirts and pants, 
And sweeps if he can get a chance. 

5- 

As soon as he gets out of bed, 
His troubles come, so it is said. 
Into his pants he quickly goes, 
And lo ! a hole found by his toes. 

72 



6. 
His feet went through it very quick, 
Said he, " Of such pants I am sick, 
But off they'll come, if I've the power, 
I can't be bothered here an hour." 

/• 
He then bent down his feet to free, 
The bedpost then he did not see. 
He lost his balance, we suppose, 
And struck that bedpost with his nose. 

8. 
The bedpost was not hurt, 'tis said, 
His nose was, for 'twas very red. 
Just then he was compelled to halt, 
For he had turned a somersault. 

9- 
When he got free from those old pants, 
He gave his Sunday pair a chance. 
The floor was very dusty there, 
And so he stood up in a chair ; 

io. 
And when he had but one leg in, 
That old chair broke, — that made him sin, 
For it struck every corn he had, 
And you can guess that made him mad. 

1 1. 
He stopped to bathe his corns and nose, 
Until he was about half froze ; 
He quickly donned his Sunday pants 
Now see him for his vest advance. 

73 



12. 

The vest is on, what shall be done ! 
The buttons are all off but one. 
" I'll sew them on so they will stay. 
No more poor tailors will I pay." 

13- 

To thread his needle see him try, 
'Tis full of beeswax in the eye ; 
And then his thread is quite too large, 
Said he, " I'll pay the tailor's charge.' 

14. 
He now feels bad enough to cry, 
Into his coat he now would fly. 
Alas ! alas ! he quickly found 
The lining in the sleeve unsound. 

15. 
Both hands he found went quickly through, 
And split that coat almost in two. 
" Confound the luck ! " just then said he. 
" The tailor I shall have to see." 

16. 
" My Sunday coat I'll have to wear, 
I can't afford it, I declare, 
Might spoil it in the dirty shop, 
If on the floor I let it drop. 

17. 
" I think I'd better take a wife, 
Than bother this way all my life, 
For she could take a stitch or two, 
And help me out, I think, don't you? " 

74 



IN THE STREET CARS. 

i. 
The morning was pleasant, 

And the street cars were full, 
With a far greater load 

Than two horses should pull. 



The merchant for business, 
And the clerks for the stores, 

And shop girls, and women 

Who wash clothes and scrub floors, 

3- 

A lady soon enters, 

With her babe in her arms ; 
Although she was handsome, 

No one then saw her charms, 

4- 
Or took enough notice, 

To offer her a seat, 
But tired, and weary, 

There she stood on her feet, 

75 



5- 
Until " Paddy " jumps up, 

In his rough, working clothes, 
And said " Madam, you'd like 

A good seat, I suppose. 



" I'd have said so before, 
But I'll tell you now true, 

That some young gentleman 
Here, should have asked you." 

7- 
Now, I'm sure that we all 

Are now ready to say 
That Pat showed himself 

The gentleman, that day. 

8. 

There is nothing more true 
Under sun, moon or stars, 

That few show themselves gents, 
When they ride on street cars. 

9- 
For they pay for one seat, 

But they occupy two, 
And let a tired lady, 

Hold a child to their view, 

76 



io. 

And not offer a seat, 

Or to " move up a peg,'* 

If very, very hard 

With " her eyes " she might beg. 

II. 

A man or a woman, 

Who is healthy and strong, 
Should not let a mother 

With a babe, stand up long, 

12. 

But if tired yourself, 

You should show yourself kind, 
Always show that you have 

A kind heart, and clear mind. 

13- 
In regard to steam cars, 

If you please, let me state, 
On Dressed Hogs from the west 

They have lowered the freight, 

14. 

But on the street cars here, 

Amid changing events, 
Some two-legged Hogs ride, 

And pay only five cents. 



77 



THE IRISHMAN'S GOAT. 

i. 
A clever old chap, Pat Murphy by name, 

He kept a confounded mean goat; 
That goat for butting had wonderful fame, 

He'd butt an old hog or a shoat ; 

2. 
A cow, or calf, or a man six foot six, 

For that goat was both large and strong. 
A man that he struck wouldn't like his 
tricks, 
But be apt to move right along. 

3- 
'Twas time to pay taxes, Pat got his bill 

Of eight dollars tax on the goat ; 

But Patrick's idea of paying that bill, 

You can guess, was very remote. 

4- 
He asked the assessor to tell him why 

He sent him that outrageous bill. 

It took just four dollars that goat to buy, 

Not worth that to keep or to kill. 

5- 
That same assessor, his first name was Mike. 

And when called that office to fill, 

He made up his mind he had a good strike, 

As the town would pay him his bill. 

6. 
Now Mike of his orifice felt very proud, 
And told Patrick that he didn't care 

7* 



What the goat cost, and said this very loud : 
" You will pay that bill, for it's fair. 

7- 

" I'll pay any bill that's lawful to pay, 

But I'm sure I'll never pay that ! " 
And we've heard it said that on that same 
day, 
They really had quite a spat. 
8. 
" Now wait," said Mike, " till I read you the 
law, 
Then you'll know what you are about ; 
Your pocket book then you quickly will 
draw, 
And pay this tax, I have no doubt." 

9- 
He then read the law and this it did say : 

That owners of property, where 

It was found abutting on the highway 

Taxed two dollars a foot just there. 

10. 

" Now, Patrick, you say that you own the 
goat, 
And his feet when counted make four ; 
Two dollars a foot will surely make eight, 
You should pay, and say nothing more. 
1 1. 
" As you own the goat, that's just what you 
say, 
On the highway he runs at large, 
And as he's abutting on the highway, 
You must pay the eight dollar charge." 

79 



HATS, CAPS, FURS TRUNKS. 

i. 

Cold winter now salutes you here, 
And when the weather is severe, 
'Tis well that we ourselves supply 
With furs on which we can rely. 

2. 

With good fur cap you'll have no fears, 
That you are freezing both your ears ; 
With good fur gloves, you understand, 
.You surely will not freeze your hand. 

3- 

And how about that nice fur cloak, 
Of which your wife and daughter spoke? 
Cold winter is the time they say, 
Please get it now, and don't delay. 

4- 
And now that snow begins to fly, 
For health you should yourself supply 
With good bear robe or buffalo, 
To keep out all the cold and snow. 

5- 
For hats and caps we think you know, 

This is the place for you to go, 

And also for good bags and trunks, 

Some large enough for good-sized bunks. 

6. 
Please price our goods, that you may know, 
That good goods can be bought here low. 
Our pleasant clerks will serve you well, 
In courteous treatment they excel. 

So 



FURS. 

Cold winter now we find is here. 

Your kind and faithful wife, 
May gently whisper in your ear: 

44 The best time in your life 

2. 

To give a sealskin cloak away, 
And muff to match the same, 

Would be upon a winter day, 
A present worth the name. 

3- 

My hands and arms, I should protect 

In cold winter weather; 
If clad in these, I should expect 
A sleigh ride together. 

4; 
Fur-collared overcoat is good, 

To keep you nice and warm ; 

Fur robe, fur cap, fur gloves, now should 

Protect you from the storm. 

5- 
Now don't you think good furs might be 

Protection for your wife ? 

" My dear," said he, "come now with me, 

I love you as my life." 

6. 
They came at once and bought furs here, 

And sealskin was the name ; 
Now, if you'd give your wife good cheer, 

Call here and do the same. 

Si 



"AD." FOR HATS. 

i. 
Suppose you stop and think awhile, 
Is not your hat quite out of style ? 
If so suppose you now agree, 
To call and buy a hat of me. 

2. 

Then we'll agree, for that is fair, 

That we'll do for you our full share, 

And fit you out in tip-top style, 

Which we now think will make you smile. 

3- 
Because we sell fine hats so low, 

And they are up to date, you know ; 

They'll please your wife, we are quite sure, 

And as to style you'll feel secure. 

4- 

Or, if you're not a married man, 

But hope to be soon as you can, 
Allow us here to simply state, 
This style may hasten on the date. 

5- 
Or if the date is near at hand, 

In this style hat you'll look quite grand, 

On wedding tour with happy bride, 

And you will feel quite satisfied. 

6. 
We also sell caps, gloves and hose 
And goods you need, we may suppose, 
And if you will but come and see, 
A happy man you'll surely be. 

82 



GOODS OF ALL KINDS. 

i. 
Our store we think is up to date, 
Our goods you will appreciate ; 
They are first class, you understand, 
You'll find none better in the land. 

2. 

Goods for your house, or store, or shop, 
The price on them we have let drop : 
In fact we've dropped them down so low, 
That down they can no further go. 

3- 
We're selling good goods now for cash, 

For what you've paid for worthless trash, 

If you don't think so, make no fuss, 

But call and see, you'll trade with us. 

Our time we surely can't command, 
To name the goods we have on hand, 
We have as many kinds, and more 
Than you can find at any store. 

5- 
We are well known, and never yet 

Have heard a customer regret 

That they have bought goods at our store, 

They're satisfied, and call for more. 

6. 
Call in and look through every floor, 
And you will say, " The price is lower, 
Than any place in this fair land, 
Their pleasant clerks are truly grand ! " 

83 



FOR A LARGE HOUSE. 

i. 

Ten thousand eyes there are to see 
Clothing that's worn by you and me t 
Then please allow us here to state, 
They notice styles not up to date. 

2. 

Ladies or gents, it's all the same, 
They notice dress of every name ; 
And bonnets too, so it is said, 
And hats men wear upon the head. 

3- 
Sometimes they are so out of style, 

Some people cannot help but smile. 

If some but knew they caused the laugh, 

They'd soon have better clothes by half. 

4- 

Now please allow us just to state, 
You'll find our goods are up to date ; 
All kinds, for ladies and for all, 
Both men and children, great and small. 

5- 
And now allow us just to say, 

We're serving thousands every day, 

With goods to wear where'er they roam, 

And goods for thousands for their home. 

6. 
Just take a look through our great store, 
And you'll find all you need and more, 
Then when through all the rooms you roam. 
Buy all you need, we'll send them home. 

S 4 



"AD." FOR ANY BUSINESS. 

i. 
Some people run both to and fro, 
In fact in all directions go, 
To find cheap goods, the cheapest kind, 
And buy the cheapest they can find. 

2. 

They find they are called cheap, but poor, 
And cost too much, they are quite sure. 
They should look for the better kind, 
And leave all worthless trash behind. 

3- 
As these are facts, please let us say, 

We'll tell you of a better way. 

Call at our store for goods quite nice, 

That you can buy at a fair price. 

4- 
Our stock of goods is Number One, 

No better under the fair sun. 

For goods that cannot here be found, 

There is no use to look around. 

5- 
Our goods are what we call them, too, 

And we are sure they will please you. 

Our clerks will surely treat you well 

For in kind treatment they excel. 

6. 
When we send our goods to your home, 
You'll say that you'll no longer roam 
About the town to find cheap trash, 
As these are surely worth the cash. 

85 



"AD." FOR ANY BUSINESS. 

i. 

Some people are anxious 
To buy their goods low, 

And all over the town 
They seem bound to go ; 

2. 

Wear out their shoe-leather, 

Get all tired out, 
Then they take a hard cold, 

Get half-froze — about. 

3- 
Or if it's hot weather, 

Get most melted down, 
And walk in the sunshine, 

Until they're done brown. 

4- 
To save them this trouble 

They clearly should see, 
'Twill be better for them 

To buy goods of me. 

86 



CLOTHING. 

i. 

Mrs. Partington, and son Ike, 
Have just been out upon a strike. 
She struck for a new dress and hose, 
Ike struck for a new suit of clothes. 

2. 

When to the city they drew near, 
She says to Isaac, " Now, I fear 
That when you get to town you'll buy 
The clothing that will cost too high. 

3- 
" We'll stop in at a dry goods store, 
And buy the cloth, same as before ; 
Then I can make it up, you see, 
That would be less expense to me." 

4, 
" Now that's too bad ; did you not say 

To I might go to-day ? 

For there they sell good clothes, you see, 
If I go there they will fit me." 

5- 
" My son, that's so, I had forgot 
I spoke about that famous spot, 
I think it best that we go there, 
For they will surely treat us fair." 

87 



6. 

Then quickly to they went, 

And very little money spent, 

But a good suit of clothes they buy, 

A suit on which they can rely. 

7- 

" Your clothes were cheap, I must confess, 
Now I can buy my hose and dress. 
When you want clothes again, you'll know 
That is the place to go." 

Moral. 
Don't pay for clothes a price too high, 
But go to store and buy. 

CARD FOR CLOTHING STORE 
WINDOW. 
Buy a good overcoat that's nice ; 
You now can buy at a low price. 
We have a fine stock in our store, 
At prices less than known before. 

WINDOW CARD. 
Fall is now here, perhaps you may 
Want clothing at no distant day. 
To winter you should keep an eye, 
And now procure a good supply. 



88 



CLOTHING. 

$10 Suits. 

I. 

Ten dollars for a suit of clothes! 
How is it done, do you suppose? 
We find that it is done somehow, 
And ten will buy a suit just now. 

2. 

Such suits are worn by many men, 
Who have paid for them just twice ten ; 
And they are worth the price they paid. 
But this price puts them in the shade. 

3- 

We have these goods in every shade, 
The cloth is nice, they are well-made, 
And again they are in good style, 
And cost you only a small pile. 



89 



CLOTHING. 

i. 
When you pay out your cash for clothes, 
They must look well, sir, we suppose ; 
They should be made up good and nice, 
And sold to you at a fair price, 

2. 
From correct date it now appears, 
That we've sold clothing now for years,. 
And in this town fine clothing sold, 
Now to talk clothing we are bold. 

3- 
To shield you from the cold and storm, 

An overcoat that's good and warm, 

Will to your spirits give good cheer, 

Although the weather is severe. 

4- 
Our goods you'll find are all first class, 

With us poor goods would never pass ;. 

And then a fit we guarantee, 

The styles we wish to have you see. 

5- 
On children's suits we do our best, 

The price will set your heart at rest, 

If we can't dress your little man, 

We don't know any one who can. 

6. 
For our good goods the price is low,. 
And we advise you now to go 
Directly to our store and see 
Clothing as nice as nice can be. 

90 



CLOTHING. 



Some men wear pants too large by half, 
Each leg would take another calf, 
And they're too long to look quite neat, 
Like ladies' dresses, sweep the street. 

2. 

Then at the waist they're cut so low, 
They sometimes find their shirt will show. 
That's so when wearing a short vest ; 
Then the boys yell, " Pull down your vest ! " 

3- 
Some wear a coat too short, we see, 

Right for a boy, say four feet three ; 

The sleeves are far too short as well, 

He'd make a scarecrow that would sell. 

4- . 

We see some men wear pants too tight, 

We think their judgment isn't right. 

If they should go out in a crowd, 

Their scolding might be long and loud. 

5- 
To fit you nice is quite a trade, 
And to have clothes that are well made 
Would make you feel quite satisfied, 
And please 'most any wife or bride. 

6. 
For clothes on which you can rely, 
Call here and we will satisfy 
You as to quality and price, 
Then you will leave our store dressed nice. 

9* 



CLOTHING. 

i. 
Some people scold and say things rough, 
Because their clothes are poor enough. 
That they are poor is surely true ; 
And now some good advice to you. 

Call at our store when you are out, 

And see just what we are about. 

We're selling now good clothes, that's true, 

And think we've just the kind for you. 

3* 

A suit may cost a trifle more 

Than you've been paying heretofore, 
But they are cheaper in the end, 
For on these clothes you can depend. 

4- 

And we can please you with such style, 

We think 'twill surely make you smile. 
And you will say, without a doubt, 
"This firm know just what they're about." 

5-, 
AYe ve other goods you'd like to see, 

We'll show with a glad heart and free, 

And some of them, it's safe to say, 

You'll buy before you go away. 

6. 
Call in and see, and you will find 
Our clerks are pleasant, always kind. 
They'll treat you well, if you don't buy ; 
On this you surely can rely. 



CLOTHING, 
i. 
Two brothers, known as Tom and Dick, 
One looked slack, and one looked slick. 
Tom always wore the best of clothes ; 
Dick was too stingy, we suppose. 

2. 

Dick had some cash, and could dress well, 

And now about him let us tell. 

He wore the poorest kind of clothes, 

And looked quite rough, that goodness 

knows. 

3- 
But he was stingy, loved his cash, 

And thought to spend it would be rash ; 

And we have often heard it said 

That he felt half inclined to wed. 

4- 
These brothers knew a girl near by, 

On whom they surely could rely. 

Dick thought he would be satisfied, 

If she'd consent to be his bride. 

5- 

And he was bold, you may suppose, 
To ask her hand in such poor clothes. 
That girl, they say, simply said " No," 
Of course poor Dick then had to go. 

6. 
Tom offered this same girl his hand ; 
When she said "Yes," he felt quite grand. 
Tom had success, as you must see, 
By wearing nice clothes, bought of me. 

93 



CLOTHING. 

I. 

When a man dresses nice and neat, 
They don't put him on a back seat, 

And he can get most anywhere, 

And in life's pleasures have a share. 
2 

It now is spring-, perhaps you may 
Want a new suit some pleasant day. 

Call in and see the goods we sell, 

I'm sure that we can please you well. 

3- 
Our stock of cloths is now complete. 

Our many styles are new and neat. 

Our fancy patterns, they are fine. 

With mixtures of quite new design. 

4- 
You'll want an overcoat this fall, 

Our prices on them are not tall. 

Our fancy styles, entirely new, 

Whenever here brought out to view. 

A nice spring suit we can supply, 

At prices you cannot call high, 
And you can get all through the year, 
Good suits well made that are not dear. 

6. 

Our foreign cloths and the home made, 
You'll find them all of a high grade; 

The kind of goods that will please you, 
For they are fine, the styles are new. 

94 



CLOTHING. 



Our fall and winter goods are neat, 
Our stock, you'll find is quite complete. 
Low prices on good goods will tell, 
Call in and see how low we sell. 



It is too bad to spend your cash 
On what is simply worthless trash; 
Have nothing left to satisfy, 
Nothing on which you can rely. 

3- 

If you will buy goods at our store, 
You'll get your money's worth, and more. 
Then you will have goods that are good, 
By many that is understood. 



95 



CLOTHING. 

i. 
At this "ad." if you will but glance, 
I'll tell you where to buy good pants. 
We're sure you'll then need no advice. 
To buy good pants at a fair price. 

2. 
The same is true of coat and vest, 
To get those people pass the rest, 
And come directly to our store. 
Where they have bought good goods before. 

Our styles they know are up to date, 

And nice to wear in any state; 

Can satisfy the rich or poor, 

And give them what they need, we're sure. 

4- 
If you're about to take a wile, 

To share with you the joys oi life, 

In us you surely can confide, 

To please yourself and please your bride. 

5- 
Gent's furnishing goods in our store, 

We'd like to have you look them o'er. 

They were selected with great care, 

And many styles are new and rare. 

6. 
We are quite sure 'twill please you well, 
To look at other goods we sell, 

Call in ami look by day or night, 
And we will fit you out all right. 
96 



CLOTHING. 

i. 
Our stock of clothing is complete, 
You'll find it made both nice and neat. 
Our prices surely will suit you ; 
What we say here you'll find quite true. 

2. 

We've goods of almost every shade, 
As nice as any ever made ; 
We have both light and heavy weight, 
And we can fit the small or great. 

3- 
Just buy one suit, or even two, 
Then as a man you'll feel quite new. 
You'll say while speaking of our store, 
" I wish that I'd been there before." 

4- 

If you are young some one will say, 

" I think he'll marry, right away ; " 

Or, if you're settled down in life, 

New clothes will please yourself and wife. 

5- 
Now, my dear sirs, take my advice, 
And simply dress up neat and nice, 
For it will help you make your way, 
W r here you will see a brighter day. 



97 



TAILOR. 

We have a splendid stock of goods, 
That we should like to show, 

And for a splendid suit of clothes 
This is the place to go. 

2. 

Or for an overcoat that's right, 
Well made, and nice, and warm ; 

The kind we make you will delight 
To wear in cold or storm. 

We always give a splendid fit, 
Of that you will feel proud ; 

Of any suit you have made here 
You'll speak in praises loud. 

4- 
Our goods are suitable for all, 

Our stock is now complete ; 

And if you will but on us call, 

We can your wishes meet. 

5- 
For wedding you will want the best, 

Made up in tip-top style ; 

The suits we make will stand the test, 

Try them, — they'll make you smile. 

6. 
We lead in styles and have the new 

As soon as they are out ; 
Please look at them, they will suit you. 

We think, without a doubt. 

98 



TAILOR. 

i. 
To please our friends we always make 

Their clothes from best of stock. 
And as that course we always take 

We stand on solid rock. 

2. 

We lead in quality and make, 

Our clothes the very best, 
And when these goods hard service take, 

You'll find they'll stand the test. 

3- 

We lead in style, and always show 

The very latest out. 
Drop in and see us and you'll know 
Just what we are about. 

4- 
If not well dressed some people say 

We're neither nice nor wise, 

At any rate we think 'twould pay 

To show some enterprise. 

5- 
The way for you to show it best, 

Is to take our advice. 

Step in and buy coat, pants and vest, 

And buy at a fair price. 

6. 
Our price is down at bottom rock 

For goods that are first class ; 
Look at them, you will take some stock, 
You cannot let them pass. 
99 



FURNITURE. 

When Bill Smith married Betsey Brown, 

She said, " If you're able, 
Whatever else you buy in town, 

Buy a tip-top table. 
2. 
" I want with table, too, my dear, 

Dishes to put upon it, 
The latest style to give good cheer, 

When I look upon it. 

3- 

" Mother told Papa years ago, 

Her dishes were not nice, 
He said she'd better make them go 
They cost him a high price. 

4- 
"She used the old ones, chipped and 

cracked, 

But I don't wish to see, 

Poor dishes in my pantry stacked, 

Or used at all by me." 

5- 
Now Billy wished to please his wife, 

And to our store they came, 
And bought enough to last through life, 

Dishes of every name. 
6. 
Call here and do the selfsame thing, 

And happy be, as they. 
We think you'll surely laugh and sing, 

With joy throughout the day. 



FURNITURE. 

i. 
John Smith he married Betsey Hall, 

And boarded for a while. 
His bills he could not pay them all, 

He lived in such high style. 
2. 
" Twenty dollars a week for board 

I can no longer pay, 
But to keep house, I might afford 

To do that in some way." 

3- 
So John and Betsey started out 

One day to find a rent. 
They hired a house they knew about, 

And thought the time well spent. 
4- 
To furnish it of course they went 

Directly to our store, 
And very little money spent 

For first and second floor. 

5. 

As we sell furniture so cheap, 
It caused them much surprise 

To see the splendid goods we keep 
To sell at a low price. 

6. 
Just what John Smith did on that day, 

Can now be done by you. 
Please price our goods, and you will say, 

Our statements here are true. 



101 



DRY GOODS. 

If you should now your thoughts express, 
I think you'd say, " I need a dress, 
Old-fashioned ways I think are past, 
If I don't dress, I shall lose caste." 

2 

And you can say that it is true ; 
And we should be glad to see you, 
Be glad to see you at our store, 
To look our splendid dry goods o'er. 

3- 
Step in and look, you'll surely find 

Dress goods exactly to your mind ; 

Figured or plain, heavy or light, 

Either of them you'll find all right. 

4- 

Prices will please you, let us say, 
You'll buy before you go away. 
That is, if you seek your own good, 
As we sell cheap*, that's understood. 

5. 
You know our stock has great renown, 
We sell the best goods in this town. 
If you're no judge of goods we sell, 
Bring in some friend who knows them well. 

6. 
If goods are not just what we say, 
Please send them back the self-same day, 
And rest assured that we delight 
In making our mistakes all right. 



DRY GOODS. 

i. 

It now is spring, the birds can sing, 
And you can make the welkin ring, 
When once you get your spirits up, 
And peace and joy fills up your cup. 



To get that joy please let us say, 
Call here and see us some fair day. 
We're sure our goods will give you joy, 
At prices which will not annoy. 

3- 
Joy will come to you more and more r 
While seeing these fine goods in store, 
At such low prices as they bring, 
We're sure you cannot help but sing. 

4- 
Call in and see the goods we sell, 
Our clerks will surely treat you well. 
You'll surely buy, that's understood, 
If you will study your own good. 



DRY GOODS. 

i. 

When you go shopping call on us, 
We'll show our goods and make no fuss ; 
And on this thing you can rely, 
We'll not be cross if you don't buy. 

2. 

You'll find our clerks with pleasant face, 
Who'll wait on you with ease and grace ; 
They'll show you goods both rich and rare, 
Which you can buy at prices fair. 

3- 

Dress goods and splendid underwear, 
We have selected with great care ; 
All kinds of goods for your dear home, 
To see them now you're free to come, 

4, 
Call in and see the goods we sell, 
The style and price will suit you well ; 
We have laid in a splendid stock, 
With prices down to bottom rock. 



104 



GENTS' FURNISHING GOODS. 

i. 

We keep a full supply of these 

Of quality the best. 
Call and examine, if you please, 

And put our goods to test. 

2. 

For shirts and collars and neckties, 

That are both nice and good, 
We sell at prices that surprise 

The wise men and the good. 

3- 
And cuffs, as nice as ever made, 

Sleeve buttons for the same. 
Suspenders, too, the use of which 

I need not stop to name. 

4- 

Knit goods and gloves, both coarse and fine, 

You need for all the year. 
Our stock is large, now is the time 

For you to purchase here. 



105 



CROCKERY. 

Housekeepers should have special care, 
Over their china and glass ware, 
And buy crockery neat and nice, 
We think you'll say that's good advice. 

2. 

You may provide the best of food, 
Have many things quite rare and good, 
But if your crockery is poor, 
That's quite a drawback, we are sure. 

3- 
Your plates are chipped and saucers, too, 

They don't look very good to you, 

Although with food you're well supplied, 

You do not feel quite satisfied. 

4- 
To satisfy you, let us say, 

Get some new china, right away. 

Nothing will please you for the price, 

Like some new crockery that's nice. 

5- 
We have some splendid goods on hand, 

When you see them you'll say they're grand, 

And on your table they'll look fine, 

When you sit down to tea or dine. 

6. 
If you will call in at our store, 
You'll see goods you've not seen before, 
And we are quite sure you will buy, 
Because our prices are not high. 

106 



MATTRESSES AND BEDDING. 

i. 
How many times we've heard it said, 
We spend one-third of life in bed ! 
That we may sleep and get our rest, 
Our bed should be the very best. 

2. 

We need good beds to give us health, 
And help us on the road to wealth. 
Poor men should have right straight along, 
Good beds to keep them well and strong. 

3- 
Please call on us and you will find 
A bed or mattress to your mind ; 
Good goods are what we keep to sell, 
The kind and price will please you well. 

4- 
Our goods we furnish to the trade 
As good as any ever made. 
Call here for beds or mattress, then, 
If you would be good, healthy men. 



107 



FISH MARKET, 
i. 

Most people like good sea food, well, 
And where to get it let me tell ; 
You'll find it here, both fresh and good, 
that's understood. 



It's good for health 



2. 



All kinds of fish that you may need, 
We can your order fill with speed. 
We'll give you fresh or salt or dry, 
And goods on which you can rely. 

3- 
We have smoked fish, oysters and clams, 

To get the best we lay our plans, 

To have the kind that's extra choice, 

And these are praised with willing voice, 

4- 
The oyster you can always eat, 

If it is only fresh and sweet, 

No matter whether cold or warm. 

It surely cannot do you harm. 

5- 
Our mackerel are extra nice ; 

Buy " bloaters," that is our advice. 

That is, if you desire the best, 

For these will always stand the test. 

6. 
We'll call and see just what you need, 
And then we'll send goods home, with 

speed. 
We sell our goods at a low price, 
Buy goods of us is good advice. 
10S 



FURNACES, RANGES, STOVES. 

Winter in earnest is now here, 
And good warm rooms will give good cheer ; 
To have the rooms both warm and bright, 
Our stoves and furnace must be right. 

2. 
A stove or furnace you may need, 
These we can furnish you with speed. 
Of stoves we now have a full line, 
In styles quite new, they're bound to shine. 

3- 
Perhaps you will not think it strange, 

That we now sell a first-class range. 

And now just here please let us state, 

That here you'll find an open grate. 

4- 
Perhaps you'll say that you desire, 

For hearth a good old-fashioned fire, 

Of hardwood, in an open grate ; 

That's what suits you, you plainly state. 

5- 
Just order one nice fireplace grate, 

We think we soon should hear you state, 

That you really do admire, 

A lovely, cheerful, hardwood fire. 

6. 
Now as to jobbing, roofing, too, 
That's just the work we like to do, 
To get good goods and get work low, 
This is the place for you to go. 

109 



FURNACES, RANGES, ETC. 
i. 
The winter's cold is hard to bear, 
Hence for the cold we should prepare : 
Your stoves and furnace have all right, 
And ready for the winter's fight. 

2. 
If stoves or furnace must be new, 
Those up to date let us show you, 
Our best ones have been fully tried, 
And man and wife quite satisfied. 

3- 
We have at least two styles of range, 

If they don't please you 'twould be 

strange. 

People who use them like them well, 

And freely say that they excel. 

4- 

Our parlor stoves are neat and nice, 

And can be bought at a fair price ; 
Then we've a furnace that's complete, 
Because it gives out lots of heat. 

Sheet iron, tin and copper ware, 
You may depend we make with care, 
Jobbing, plumbing, and roofing, too, 
We're satisfied we can please you. 

6. 
For good work that will give good cheer, 
We are quite sure you'll find it here, 
It seems to us you'd like to know 
Where to buy goods, and buy them low. 
no 



SHORT ADS. 

RENTS. 

People of brains and common sense, 
Don't always seek the cheapest rents, 
And those who do will surely find 
They have not found just the right kind. 

You can have rents both nice and good, 
We'd like to serve you if we could. 
We know full well it's good advice 
To us to rent at a fair price. 

FOR SALE. 

A home that's cozy, nice and neat, 
One that will please you well, 

Located on a pleasant street, 
We know will rent or sell. 

TO RENT. 

We have good rents, both large and small 

We'd like to have you see. 
We'll try and please both one and all, 

If you'll but call on me. 

RENTS. 

We have a tip-top store to rent, 

Upon a central street. 
Look at it, 'twill be time well spent, 

For it is quite complete. 



TO RENT. 

If you're hunting for rents, don't hunt any 

more, 
We can rent you a house or rent you a 

store ; 
We have houses and stores, some old and 

some new, 
All at prices so low they ought to please 

you. 

f&r* £r* t2r* tfr* 



LARGE CARD FOR MEAT MARKET. 

A fine rib roast, and splendid steak, 
Spring lamb, and mutton, nice to bake, 
A pig that gives nine kinds of meat, 
Ham, shoulders, ribs, all " good to eat," 
Bacon, and hocks, and feet, and head, 
And pork, and sausage, good, 'tis said, . . . 
And now, my friend, don't " think us queer," 
We sell all these good things right here. 



112 



RESTAURANT. 

We often feel the need of food, 
And wish to find the kind that's good. 
Please let me tell you just the spot 
Where you can find it, cold or hot, — 

2. 

Where you can get the best of meat, 
And many things quite good to eat; 
Fresh poultry, too, the kind that's good, 
And we may say the best sea food. 

.3- 
Our oysters, they might make you smile, 

And you might sit and eat awhile. 

We serve them in a bowl or dish, 

Cooked in any style you wish. 

4- 

With pleasant words and cheerful face, 

We furnish food with ease and grace. 
We have a cook who beats the world, 
His banner here is now unfurled. 

5- 
We feed a crowd both large or small, 

At prices low enough for all. 

If you once dine inside our door, 

You'll wish you had done that before. 

6. 
For breakfast, dinner, or for tea, 
You are the man we'd like to see. 
Then when you pay us you will find 
That we have been both good and kind. 

"3 



GROCERIES AND MEAT. 

i. 
Good treatment and good goods, they say, 
Will suit the people, any day. 
And if you would find both of these, 
Call in and see us, if you please. 

2 
Our groceries, they are the best, 
They'll satisfy yourself, or guest. 
Just now our stock is quite complete, 
With just the kind you like to eat. 

Our tea and coffee are the best, 
Try them and you'll leave all the rest ; 
And then our fruit, both green and dry, 
We're very sure will satisfy. 

4- 
The splendid flour we keep, 'tis said, 

Will make the choicest kind of bread, 

.And when you want some first-class cake, 

This is the flour for you to bake. 

5- 
\\ e keep choice beef and splendid ham, 

Veal and mutton, and spring lamb ; 

And butter, too, of every grade, 

Our best the finest ever made. 

6. 
With these goods on your table spread, 
You'll say you had a level head, 
When you bought these goods at our store, 
And you will soon call here for more. 

114 



GROCERIES AND MEAT.S 

I. 

Choice groceries in full supply, 
That we keep good none will deny; 
We always do select the best, 
And quickly pass by all the rest. 

2. 

Tea, coffee, sugar, spices, rice, 
All these we keep that are quite nice, 
Good soap, and starch, and bluing, too, 
And many things that will please you. 

3- 

Our flour is nice as any made, 

It puts all others in the shade ; 

Buy this flour once, you'll buy again, 

No better on the broad domain. 

4- 
The best of veal and lamb and beef, 

To give the hungry man relief, 

And pork and lard, sparerib and ham, 

You'll surely find these are no sham. 

Canned goods, the best that can be had, 
We're quite sure they will make you glad ; 
Many fine goods we have to sell, 
At prices that will please you well. 

6. 
We call for, and deliver, too, 
So promptly that it will please you ; 
If once you buy goods at our store, 
You soon will call there and buy more. 

"5 



GROCERIES. 

i. 
My friend, perhaps you'd like to know, 
Of a good place where you can go, 
To get groceries for your wife, 
The best you've seen in all your life. 

2. 

Tea, coffee, sugar, flour and rice, 
Which we are sure you'll see are nice, 
And splendid fruits, both green and dry,, 
On all these goods you can rely. 

5' 

While in this world of toil and strife, 
We know we need the staff of life ; 
To make that staff, it may be said, 
We need good flour to make good bread. 

4- 
Flour bought of us, you understand, 

Always makes bread that's simply grand ; 

And then it is so white and sweet, 

'Twill tempt the hungry man to eat. 

5- 
In buying tea we use great care, 

As we know what tea-drinkers are, 

If they don't get the very best, 

You could not give them a full chest. 

6. 
We can't name all our goods to-day, 
But e'er we close please let us say, 
We've many other goods in store, 
Which, if you try, you'll soon want more. 

u6 






MARKET. 

I. 

We keep on hand the choicest beef, 
To give the hungry man relief, 
To brace him up and make him strong, 
To push the work of life along. 

2. 

When you buy meat and want the best, 
To suit yourself or please your guest, 
Call here and see the kind we sell, 
We think that we can please you well. 

3- 
The best of veal and fat spring lamb, 

And nice corned beef and splendid ham, 

Together with nice garden stuff, 

Which you will see is good enough. 

4. 
Spring chickens and nice fowls well dressed, 

This is the place to find the best ; 

And they are always nice and clean, 

And good enough for king or queen. 

5- 
Our canned goods you will find them choice, 

And praise them with a willing voice ; 

Our eggs are fresh, right from the farm, 

And they will suit you to a charm. 

6. 
And many other things we sell, 
Of which we have not time to tell ; 
Call at our market, we'll explain, 
For nice goods you'll soon call again. 

117 



BUTTER. 

i. 
To get good butter and good cheese, 
And good fresh eggs that always please, 
Call in and get them at our store, 
And you will need to look no more. 

2. 

My friends, did you not know before 
That we have them at our nice store, 
That's fresh and good and sweet and nice ? 
To get them there is my advice. 

.3- 
Our fancy creamery is choice, 

You'll praise it with a willing voice, 

And then just try our fine " Gilt Edge," 

That it is good you'll need no pledge. 

4- 
The best of bread, to make it go 

For butter calls quite loud, you know. 

When both are good it makes you feel, 

That they alone make a good meal. 

And then we have some cheese that's old, 

As nice, we think, as ever sold, 

We also sell a lower grade, 

In keeping with the price that's paid. 

6. 
Now, when you want goods that are nice. 
And wish to buy at a fair price, 
Step in and buy them at our store, 
You'll wish you had been there before. 

118 



BUTTER. 

In these days very much is said, 
About poor butter and poor bread, 
But it has come to pass somehow, 
You'll find good butter here, and now. 

2. 
Good butter makes our meals complete, 
But where to find it good to eat, 
Is just the question many ask, 
But to inform you is no task. 

3- 
If told you once you'll ask no more, 

You'll find it at our pleasant store ; 

Try it for once and then you'll say, 

" For such goods we are glad to pay." 

4- 

The eggs we sell you'll find complete, 

And when you wish for some to eat, 
To boil or poach or quickly fry, 
On eggs bought here you can rely. 

5- 

Perhaps you have not heard before, 

That we sell choice teas at our store, 
And coffee, too, that we'll agree 
Will always suit you to a T. 

6. 
No more to you I need now say, 
These goods you'll find here every day, 
And active clerks to wait on you, 
And cashiers that are always true. 

119 



TEA AND COFFEE. 

i. 
It is a pleasant sight to see 
The ladies sip their cup of tea. 
(Of course we mean when tea is good); 
It puts them in a pleasant mood. 

2. 

They then can talk, they then can laugh, 
While they their tea and coffee quaff, 
And when they have the kind that's good, 
They're happy then, that's understood. 

If good, they'll on it praises shower, 
And sit and talk for half an hour. 
This question soon will pass around : 
" Where can such tea as this be found?" 

4- 
Just now we hear from Mrs. B., 

" I find it hard to get good tea, 

And while I say it, I'm sincere, 

I've had no such tea in a year. 

5- 
" Our coffee at the morning meal, 

How good and strong it makes us feel ! 

To learn where it is sold I'll try, 

And I shall then go there and buy." 

6. 
To Mrs. B. and thousands more, 
We'll say, you'll find it at our store. 
Please buy these goods of us awhile, 
And then you'll meet friends with a smile. 



CARDS FOR WINDOWS. 

Good underwear protects our health, 
And that is better far than wealth. 
Just now lay in a good supply, 
Because the prices are not high. 



Walk in, we'll try and treat you well, 
And show you what we have to sell. 
We have plain goods and rich, and gay, 
Which, if you buy, you'll find 'twill pay. 



Our stock of goods is now complete, 
The styles you'll find both new and neat. 
And we can please you as to price, 
Select these now is good advice. 



The people now know very well, 
That we have honest goods to sell. 
Please take a look, we think you'll buy, 
The style and price will satisfy. 



These are good goods, the price is low, 
Then why not buy before you go ? 
Please walk right in and you will hear 
Prices for goods that bring good cheer. 



WINDOW CARDS OR SHORT "ADS.' 

SILKS. 
Silks of almost every shade, 
Silks of almost every grade, 
Silks for the old, and young, and strong, 
Silks fit to wear in any throng. 

SILKS. 
Your daughter wants a dress of silk, 
She wants one that is white as milk. 
Such a dress the girls can carry, 
Just about the time they marry. 

SHORT "ADS." 

For men or boys, a suit that's nice, 
We now can sell at a low price. 
You can select from a large stock, 
With prices down to bottom rock. 

A story now let me relate, 
It is so true it should have weight. 
We're selling prime goods at our store, 
At prices lower than before. 

FINE OVERCOATS, $IO. 
"Ten Dollars ! " hear the cheerful cry, 
11 A splendid overcoat will buy ! " 
Ten dollars is about half-price, 
For heavy goods that are quite nice. 



SHORE DINNER. 

If hungry as a crocodile, 

And something good would make you smile, 
Call here for something good to eat, 
Our sea-food dinners are complete. 

&nf t^fc f2r* *2r* 



CARDS FOR SHOW WINDOWS. 

This is the place to buy goods cheap, 
The very best we always keep. 
If you will only get our price, 
You'll buy goods here, without advice. 



Some men go on and make no fuss, 
And that is just the way with us. 
We mind our business, go ahead, 
And sell our goods quite well, 'tis said. 



Now if you would quite merry be, 
Call here at once and trade with me ; 
'Twill make you merry when you find 
Goods sold so cheap, of the best kind. 



123 



WINDOW CARD FOR SHOES. 

Tall oaks from little acorns grow, 

" And acorns on a person's toe." 

On these last acorns drop the s., 

And then 'twill read "a corn " we guess. 

If you have corns please let us state, 
They can be cured both small and great ; 
But never can be cured — that's true — 
By wearing shoes that don't fit you. 

Step in and get some shoes — quite nice, 
Which you can buy at a fair price; 
Then very soon we think you'll say. 
" My corns have most all gone away." 



24 



CARDS FOR WINDOWS. 

Walk in, and take a seat, and rest, 
And see what goods you like the best ; 
Select, and when you hear the price 
You'll buy and ask no friend's advice. 

It's very cold, that's what you say, 
Then why not buy some furs to-day ? 
Look at our goods, you'll find them nice, 
And you can buy at a low price. 

We often estimate our wealth, 
But seldom estimate our health ; 
But if we did so, we should buy 
Of underwear a full supply. 

Bargains in hose we talk about, 
But not the hose that puts fire out ; 
The hose worn on the feet we mean, 
As good and cheap as ever seen. 

These are just splendid goods for fall 
For fat or lean, for short or tall. 
And would you know the reason why? 
They're goods on which you can rely. 

A shirt, — a shirt to fit, you cry ! 
Who can this needful thing supply ? 
All you need do is call on me, 
And I will fit you to a T. 

i-5 



SHORT DUNNING LETTERS. 

Dear Sir: — 

Our bill is now before you laid. 

And don't you wish your bill was paid? 

If so, we now with you agree, 

And hope your check we soon shall see. 



Dear Sir: — 

We can but think you know, 
Our bill was due long, long ago. 
To keep your credit let us say, 
You should remit without delay. 



PLEASANT DUNNING LETTER. 

i. 
Cash with us now is very rare, 
And if you've any cash to spare, 
A little now would make us smile 
And help us move along awhile. 

2. 

Excuse us when for cash we ask, 
For that is an unpleasant task ; 
We ask it only when we need 
To pay our bills, or buy our feed. 



126 



PLEASANT DUNNING LETTERS. 

Dear Sir, it surely seems to me 

A little cash we soon should see. 

Your bill has run so long, 'tis true, 

That now some cash should come from you. 

Kindly remit without delay, 
Then when they ask us if you pay, 
We'll say assuredly you do, 
For then that saying would be true. 

We have no chickens in our coop, 

We have to live on hock-bone soup ; 

If you will kindly send the cash 

We then might have some corn beef hash. 



The wants of men come thick and fast, 
And will as long as life shall last. 
We want some cash, my friend, that's true, 
May we not have it now from you ? 

Dear Sir : — 

Your patronage we highly prize, 
That fact we surely don't disguise. 
We've sold you goods quite low, 'tis 

plain, 
If you'll remit, we'll try again. 

127 



SHARP DUNNING LETTER. 

i. 

Don't wonder that we have the blues, 
Our boy's big toes stick through his shoes. 
Of course his stockings are worn out, 
And so are all his clothes, about. 

2. 

Our little girl needs a new dress, 
She's hardly fit now to caress. 
And then our flour is almost out, 
Our coal bin's empty, too, about. 

3- 

Of course my wife's nothing to wear 
That's fitting, to the house of prayer ; 
Sundays at home we have to stay, 
And let the old boy have his way. 

4- 
As you delight in doing good, 
And freely give, that's understood, 
When you can help your brother man, 
Allow us to suggest a plan. 

5. 
Simply to send us check for pay, 
We'll send receipt without delay. 
Then, when night comes, you'll sweetly rest, 
For helping those who are distressed. 

128 



